This is the story of how I charmed a snake. It was the easiest thing in the world and I died doing it and it was stupid and noble like a bumblebee. It is whatever I say it is. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m talking about and there it is, exactly like I said. Sometimes that makes me the town oracle for the community bike. This is the story of how the town caught on fire and I got out just in time. I saw it coming and I ran and I left a lot of important shit behind me and a lot of it is gone now. I settled down somewhere in the wake of a ruinous hurricane. We all had something in common but there was nothing to talk about. This is the story of how I found a trove of treasures in the basement. I followed them in my lackey’s van to New York and forced them to be my best friends. Sometimes they say things about each other and I have to use my discretion. This is the story of how I became a spy. It was a slimy business and to tell the truth I barely got out of it alive. The streets have a lot to say and I like to keep my ear to the ground, but at a certain point you gotta get to walking, or you’ll get trampled, for crap’s sake! This is the story of how I exorcised demons in my free time without even trying through the sheer magic of being right. My sermon was life-changing and when you got home you realized I was right all along and it’s still never too late to repent. It is whatever I say it is. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m talking about and there it is, exactly like I said. Sometimes that makes me the town oracle for guys with gender problems. Sometimes they think they’re in love with me and sometimes it’s awkward. This is the story of how I was Venus in the half-shell emerging from sugar water. I was sexy as fuck and vacant like a newborn and older than the ocean and ready to be loved. And I lowkey loved chilling in my clam alone like I didn’t even give a fuck that I was out there on the waves like that it was literally whatever. This is the story of how I tricked myself into falling asleep without crying. Wrapped myself in a rolling paper and smoked it. Tasted weird at first but I got used to it. This is the story of how my life was ruined by a number of people who aren’t me. One of you is the reason for everything I just haven’t gotten to the bottom of who it is yet. This is the story of how I pulled out a gun and everyone got really scared and then I shot everyone in the face or at least head one by one. Not here guys, don’t worry, I’m talking about a different time. I was just mad and you definitely would’ve been just as mad in my situation I just simply don’t have time to explain it right now. This is the story of how I met your mother and she was very kind and I will probably never see her again. That’s not really a happy ending but I guess I’m going through a tragic period. This is the story of how I ended up in the hospital. I didn’t want to tell the truth and my nose started growing. It was whatever I say it is. Sometimes I don’t even know what I’m talking about and there it was, exactly like I said. Sometimes that makes me the town crier in ways I didn’t see coming. This is the story of how I found a blue lagoon. Honestly it was a rather popular attraction, however I myself happened upon it randomly by chance, therefore it retained its full power. This is the story of how I made a map of special places for rom-com situations and everyone gave a fuck but I never even cared in the first place I just liked going there and brought you along. This is the story of how I was a whore for several years before the story started. I was a whore in my past and it didn’t even matter because my experience made me desirable. This is the story of how the town fell apart due to a string of affairs and also on account of the tornado that sucked up half the people. Everyone who hadn’t evacuated was crazy, but I wasn’t like them, I was just trying to keep them safe, and maybe feel a little wind in my nostrils every once in a while. It was no big deal. This is the story of the snake bite. I found half a worm in the apple. Real shame. It was the oldest catch I know. It was biblically accurate. It was just like I said.